Drink!
by Ramblings of a MadWoman
Summary: Drizzt and his friends have some problems, and strange situations. They are not kept in character. This is my first FanFiction! Please be nice!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing except Drake and the crowd, but you may have the crowd if you like. Truthfully, they're starting to get on my nerves.

This is my first fan fiction, so please, be gentle and kind if that is your way. If that is not your way, then just TRY to be nice.

I give special thanks to **lucifersheart** and **Poision Ivy and Sweet Jasmine** who helped me very much into finally getting this up. I'm not going into specifics.

Chapter 1

"Drink! Drink!" came the chant from inside the bar. Wulfgar looked down at his half filled mug. _Were there two mugs or three?_ He shook his head. Just as he was about to pick one of the mugs, everyone stopped. Dead silence. He looked around. _What happened?_

"Wulfgar! How could you?" came a shrilly voice from the top of the stairs. "And on our honeymoon? What were you thinking? Or better yet, what were I thinking when I married _you_? You must be the most miserable scum of the earth. I'm leaving you! And don't even _think_ about coming after me. I'm gone barbarian boy!" _Honeymoon? Barbarian boy? What was this woman talking about? Oh, wait! Now I remember, _thought Wulfgar._ Cattie Brie. His dearly beloved wife since a couple days ago. But those were Bruenor's words. And was that Bruenor's voice? Was it coming from right next to him?_

"Forget the lass! Drink, because Drizzt says ye can't take three more!"

"All right!" he grabbed the mug and chugged down the contents. "Next one!" he called. Wait. _What's going on_, he thought as he fell to the floor. Just before he blacked out, he told himself he needed to stop drinking.

"Stupid son can't even hold his drink."

"You better give me the money now." Bruenor grumbled as he pulled out some coins and handed them to Drizzt.

"Stupid son. Stupid drow. Hey, where's me girl?"

Wulfgar got up all of a sudden. "Cattie Brie! Cattie Brie!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "Where oh where has my Cattie Brie gone? No!" He collapsed sobbing and rocking back and forth.

"There, there Wulfgar. You'll be fine. She'll come back once she's cooled down a bit." Drizzt tried to console the crazed barbarian.

"I'm back! With a _new _boyfriend! One that treats me proper!" Cattie Brie waltzed in to the bar with a handsome man with one arm around his waist. "I've replaced you. It didn't even take very long." She looked at Wulfgar scornfully.

_Why couldn't she have replaced Wulfgar with me_, thought Drizzt. Quite forlornly at that. _Ow. My heart hurts._ He rubbed his chest.

"Something wrong there elf? Looks like your heart hurts."

"Don't be ridiculous!" he looked around the room. "Um, uh… why don't we get another drink?" _Nice change of subject!_

"Oh Drake! You're so funny!" Cattie Brie stroked this fellow Drake's chest. She giggled, and then jumped on top of him, both kissing each other furiously. This only made Wulfgar sob harder and Drizzt's heart hurt more. Bruenor didn't care much.

"Rumblebelly! Get me somethin' to drink!"

"Get it you're self you stupid dwarf!"

"What? Retaliation from _you?_" Bruenor guffawed. "I'm serious. And thirsty. Get to it!"

"No!" he jumped on top of Bruenor and pulled out his mace. "I'm not the bar maid!" he shouted. He then whacked Bruenor a good couple times on his head until Bruenor bit his arm. "Aaaarrgh!" Bruenor's fist shot out and broke the halfling's nose. Regis rolled over unconscious. "Stupid Rumblebelly." He muttered. "I'm THIRSTY! Son of a goblin, what's it take to get a drink?"

The paramedics came and took Regis away. Then Drake got off of Cattie Brie, put his shirt back on, and shouted,

"Karaoke time!" A cheer came from the crowd.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything except Drake.

Chapter 2

_Oh no! _thought Drizzt. Karaoke never ended well. It usually ended with a drunk Wulfgar being called up to sing a solo of Who Killed My Beloved Cattie Brie, and then when he named the killer, Wulfgar takes a swing at him, and everyone went home with bruises after the riot which was soon to follow. They had banned smoking, but the real danger was karaoke. He turned to Wulfgar.

"I'm going to get out of here. Come with me, friend. We can get drinks somewhere else. Maybe visit Regis in the infirmary." Wulfgar got up and started to follow Drizzt outside, when Drake stood up again.

"Stop the drow!" he shouted. "Let's burn him!"

Drizzt raised his eyebrows. What a cur. Oh well. They brought death upon themselves. He reached for his scimitars, but they weren't there! He whirled around quickly, only to see Wulfgar giggling and holding them above his head.

"Jump for it!" He swung the scimitars back and forth.

"Hey! Give it back! Bully! C'mon! This isn't funny!" Drizzt jumped and jumped, but couldn't get them back. Then he was grabbed and tied down. "Cattie Brie!" he shouted. "Bruenor! Help! Wulfgar's intoxicated and I'm going to be burned!"

"Drake! How dare you? This here's me best friend. You let him up now!"

"NO!"

"…all right. Where are the matches? Bruenor grab the alcohol."

"Hey!" shouted Drizzt. "Stop! Bully!"

The door suddenly smashed off its hinges. "Unhand the drow! He's mine!"

"Entreri?" came the shocked reply from everyone.

"Artimes?" Drake said, a little later then everyone.

"Drake?" Entreri walked up to his old assassin training buddy. "How've you been? I'm glad to see you took a disliking to the drow right away also. But you see, I've had this thing going with him, where we fight, and I lose by just a little bit, and then we continue it another time, so I really want to kill him. We could have a duel for you!"

Drake pondered this for a moment. "All right. Release the drow! And you, fat man! Give him back his scimitars." Wulfgar handed them over and then sat down to cry.

"I'm not fat. I'm just big boned."

Cattie Brie rolled her eyes. "Not this again. Drop the subject both of you. Now, should we cheer for Drizzt, who we were about to burn, or Artimes, who we all hate because, well, because Drizzt hates him. But if we hate Drizzt, then Artimes is our friend! Yeah! Go Entreri!"

"Now that hurts." Drizzt clutched at his heart. Then he screamed in pain and collapsed on the floor.

"Stupid wench! I was about to finally kill him! Why did you break his heart?"

"I didn't know! Honest!" _I never knew Drizzt felt that way about me!_

_That's because you're dense!_

_Who was that?_

_Who do you think? You're conscious you cow._

_Oh no. I've finally done it. Gone crazy. Well, it's all Wulfgar's fault. Everything is his fault. It's his fault Drizzt died; our marriage didn't work, why father loves me best…_

_Give it a rest. If you kiss Drizzt, he'll come back to life!_

_What? Awesome!_ As Cattie Brie leaned down to kiss the life back into Drizzt, Drake ran up and stabbed him in the stomach.

"What was that?" shouted Cattie Brie. "This is the end of our relationship. I never want to see you again! Drizzt! Come back to us! Please!" She took Drizzt by the shoulders and shook him very hard.

"That's not going to help." groaned Drizzt. "I'm bleeding from my stomach. My heart feels better though."

Entreri walked up intending to kick Drizzt in the face, but missed and kicked Wulfgar.

"Grrrrrrrrrrr! You make Wulfgar mad. You pay!" Wulfgar lunged at Entreri.

"You are truly a barbarian. You can't even talk! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!"

A dark shadow came through the door. "Is that Entreri laughing? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Jarlaxle? How did you get here?" demanded Entreri. But then he was tackled by Wulfgar and he never got an answer. Entreri fell on a fork. It went straight through his neck. No one was hungry, so he was dragged outside into a ditch where the wild dogs could get at him.

"Never liked him anyway. Drizzt! What happened to you?" But he never got an answer because Drizzt was unconscious. "Quick! Pour some of that ale onto his stomach. That should stop the bleeding."

"Thank you doctor." said someone from the crowd.

"I'm not a doctor! What on earth made you think that?"

"But, the bleeding stopped!"

"Did it? Amazing!" Jarlaxle suddenly jumped into the air and grabbed a microphone from the broom closet. "I thought this was a karaoke party!" The crowd cheered once again.

"What happened to burning the drow?"

"Shut up. Who's singing first? Drake, how about you?"

"Um, Drake had to…leave, quite suddenly. He won't be coming back. But I'll sing!"

"All right Cattie Brie! Step on up!"

Unfortunately, what was to follow is too graphic to be described in detail, so I'll sum it up for you. Cattie Brie got up to sing, and she started out very well, but then she started singing about people in the bar, particularly Wulfgar. The lyrics were quite offensive, so Wulfgar stood up to protest in a violent manner, but Drizzt tackled him. Now we may resume the story.

"Don't you dare touch my Cattie Brie!"

"Your Cattie Brie? I don't belong to anybody, thank you very much."

"Anyway, if she belongs to anybody it's me! I'm her husband."

"Bah! She left ye. She's mine 'cause I'm 'er father."

"Get off of me you-." Wulfgar was cut off as Drizzt slammed his elbow into his neck, then he proceeded to pull a dagger out of his shoe and pin Wulfgar's foot to the floor.

"Now, you stay there and we'll sort this out later. Cattie Brie, get off the stage. Bruenor put down your beer and we can all go back to the mountain and get rid of our hangovers there."

Jarlaxle stepped up. "Can I come? I'm quite lonely. Artemis seems to have been eaten by wild dogs."

"Sure. Why not? Come. Let us depart."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I own the bar maid. (WOOHOO!) Everyone else is not owned by me!

Chapter 3

"Go away!" Wulfgar turned over in his bed and stuffed the pillow over his head. _Stupid dwarves. Trying to get me up for some stupid war. Wait. That sounds important. Stupid hangover. Who gave me all these drinks? They're going to pay! _He got up and reached for the door, but at the same time Bruenor pushed through and flattened Wulfgar into the wall.

"Boy! Get a move on! Some orcs are outside wanting to kill us all. Grab yer durned hammer so we can kick some mangy orc…head. I'm being polite! Got it?"

A muffled sound came from behind the door. _They're already inside! Oh no! This is quicker than expected! I'll show them! _the quick thinking dwarf thought.

"Die! Die! Die!" Bruenor swung his axe at the door and was greeted by a rush of blood. "Got ye! Show yer face or that's the next to go!"

A bloody Wulfgar came out from behind the door. "Ow. Why'd you do that dad?"

"Don't call me dad! And I thought you were an orc."

"That's just mean."

Just then an exuberant Cattie Brie came through the door with an orc.

"Look Wulfgar! I've got a new boyfriend. He's better looking then you'll ever be!"

Wulfgar took this comment stoically and gave a meaningful glance to his bed. Another form seemed to be in the covers. Cattie Brie gasped.

"Is that the bar maid from last night?" She shrieked like a banshee as she took her orc boyfriend's weapon, a club, a swung it at Wulfgar with all her might. "You cheating scum! That's the last woman you'll ever see that intimately!" And with that, she put a mighty swing between his knees. Wulfgar fell to the floor groaning and crying.

"I'm happy for ye daughter! You've learned to not let a man treat ye that way. I was about to do the same thing meself."

Cattie Brie rolled her eyes. Then they all remembered that the mountain was being attacked so they ran for the nearest exit, the fourth floor window. Luckily, Drizzt was right underneath them, and he skillfully caught each one of them and started juggling. The whole war stopped to witness his masterful talent of people juggling. Then he dropped Wulfgar and the war continued.

"That was fun!" Cattie Brie said with glee. "Do it again! Do it again!"

"I'm sorry. All my fingers are broken. That's why I dropped Wulfgar. Damn your freakishly large frame! I can't fight in the war. Run!" And with that final yell, the four of them took off into the sunset.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I OWN NOTINK! Excuse me. Nothing.

Chapter 4

"Where are we?" Cattie Brie asked for the hundredth time.

"I don't know!" yelled Wulfgar. "Now shut up! Stop asking that!" He looked like he was about to cry, so Drizzt quickly changed the subject.

"You know, Regis accidentally dropped all our breakfast into the mud. That also wasn't garnish. It was grass." _I'm really getting good at changing the subject!_

Bruenor spun around quickly. "What?" he thundered enraged. "Actually, it wasn't half bad." They left it at that, and an awkward silence followed. It lasted quite a long time until Drizzt thought he heard something in the bushes.

"Who goes there?"

"No worries! It's just me!" Jarlaxle came out of the bushes. "I've been stalking you for some time now. You left me behind at the mountain. What is that placed called again?"

Everyone turned to stare at Bruenor. "What're ye lookin' at me fer? I dunno!"

"Daddy, it's your mountain."

"Wulfgar, I'll tell you one more time. STOP CALLING ME DADDY!"

Cattie Brie burst into giggles and Drizzt tried not to smirk, but Jarlaxle had different ideas.

"I'll train him for you!"

"I'm sorry?"

"You know! Make him stop calling you daddy! Here. I'll show you." Jarlaxle pulled out a spray can. "This is full of acid. Every time he calls you daddy, I'll spray him with it!"

"Daddy, please-AAAARGH!"

"It's working already. Now you'll think twice about saying that won't you?"

Wulfgar miserably nodded his head.

"Good."

"Do I have to pay ye anything?"

"Well," In response Jarlaxle held out his hand. Bruenor grumbled and handed him some of his coins. "Very good. Anything else need work on?"

"Well, don't tell Regis this, but, if ye could spray him every time he drops the food, that'd be great."

"No problem. It'll be our little secret."

"I'm right here. I heard it all."

Bruenor cleared his throat. "Regis, isn't it about time for lunch?"

"Ah! Good point!" Regis quickly forgot all that he had heard as he starting preparing everyone's lunch. He made some biscuits very quickly and served them without dropping anything. Jarlaxle looked disappointed and Bruenor quickly tripped Regis making him drop his own lunch. "Oh, darn it."

Jarlaxle quickly ate his biscuit and then pulled out his acid spray can. "You really must learn Regis, nobody likes dirty food!" And with that he sprayed the acid but it got into Regis' eyes. "Um…that really is quite fatal. Someone better call the paramedics."

The paramedics came and took Regis away, but dropped him in the mud on their way back.

Once again, Drizzt heard something in the bushes. "Yes? Who is it?" His question was answered with a snarl as a worg jumped out from the bushes knocking Drizzt down and starting attacking him. "What in the Nine Hells? GET IT OFF ME!" But nobody came to Drizzt's aid so he had to strangle the worg with his cloak. "Well, thank you. So very much." Drizzt said sarcastically. "Thanks to all you people I am now missing a big chunk from my arm." With that, he fainted.

"I don't think anyone needs to call the paramedics. Drizzt is strong! He'll live." Cattie Brie pointed out.

"What if he gets eaten by wild dogs like Entreri?" Another good point.

"It doesn't matter." Yet another good point!

"Of course it matters! Here, Jarlaxle, help make a stretcher from the fire wood."

"It's still burning; it might be too hot…"

"He's strong isn't he?"

"Yes, alright." In no time, they had a stretcher for Drizzt and even though his shirt caught fire a couple times, they managed to wander around longer. Drizzt woke up feeling perfectly fine after a while, and together they found the nearest town, Luskan.


End file.
